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Dating optimizers

Published by Becky S June 1st, 2004 in tech, miscellaneous fluff

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. You’ll shudder. The June issue of Wired magazine has an article by Annalee Newitz titled “Cracking the Code to Romance,” which features four geeks “hacking their way into the sack.” On June 8th the article will be available online, and I’ll put up a link to the full text.

The most distressing of the four geeks is a man named Kevin Burton. He hangs out in coffee shops with wireless internet access, scopes out laptop-enabled hotties, uses a “sniffer” to snag their instant messenger login names, and then fires off pick-up lines. “Women think it’s cute when I can make a message pop on their machine as if by magic,” he says. Creepy!

He has a good trick, though– smiley face optimization:

“You can say anything to a girl if you put a smiley face or a wink after it. I’ve said things like ‘You should come over to my house and have sex with me :) :) :) ’ and it’s fine because they just think I’m joking. And then, more often than not, they’ll come over and have sex with me!”

Interesting. Does this technique have wider applications? Consider:

Dear employer: take this pager and stick it where the sun don’t shine :) ;)

Dude, you can’t sniff my packets if you haven’t even bought me dinner–I don’t care how cute you are.

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10 Responses to “Dating optimizers”  

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  1. Gravatar Icon 1 Erin Jun 1st, 2004 at 3:17 AM

    He has stickers all over his laptop like a fifteen-yr-old. What a creepy guy. Does he really think we’re all stupid?

  2. Gravatar Icon 2 Becky Jun 1st, 2004 at 9:53 AM

    A lot of us must be stupid, because his tactics are successful. I can’t believe people fall for that smiley face shit. As long as they do, however, this guy has no incentive to stop, so can we really fault him?

    Actually, I like the EFF sticker. This guy is smart and good-looking, so I wonder why he feels like he has to resort to the creepy sniffing ploy?

  3. Gravatar Icon 3 DCA Jun 1st, 2004 at 11:36 AM

    Maybe you’re giving the guy a little too much credit for honesty. Maybe the guy is lying about his success (who will willingly admit that he strikes out constantly?). Maybe he sends the messages to women who wear “No Means Maybe” t-shirts (tshirthell.com), thereby upping his odds. Or maybe he tried the line once, and it worked, making his “more often than not” claim technically correct.

    Or maybe I should start ;) -ing the hell out of my e-mails.

  4. Gravatar Icon 4 Scott Jun 1st, 2004 at 1:24 PM

    I was planning on posting about this very article later today (I don’t like to actively blog on the comany’s dime). I read it Sunday night, and I also thought it was sad/laughable. And then I realized I was alone on a Sunday night reading wired, and I went to the corner and quietly sobbed.

  5. Gravatar Icon 5 Becky Jun 1st, 2004 at 3:32 PM

    Scott,

    Aw, c’mon–I’m interested to hear the male perspective on this. Blog during your lunch hour! Better yet, follow my excellent example, take a month off, and blog whenever the hell you feel like it. I hope you are still planning to post. Better yet, why don’t you try out some of the techniques and give us a full report?

    I was wondering why none of the profiled geeks was female, but then I realized that it’s a helluva lot easier to lower the neckline and raise the hemline than to code packet sniffers and design soul mate calculators. Sometimes it’s best to stick with the tried and true.

  6. Gravatar Icon 6 Scott Jun 1st, 2004 at 3:53 PM

    I still plan on posting about it, but now I will include a link to this very post.

    I feel guilty posting at work, and during my lunch hour today I had to buy a stamp AND eat lunch, it was very taxing.

    And yes, it is much easier for women to get some attention from the opposite sex than it is for men. That is why we resort to all of these outlandish things.

    More in my forthcoming post.

  7. Gravatar Icon 7 Tintil Jun 2nd, 2004 at 2:05 AM

    Hey, do you fancy coming over to my blog later? ;-) ;-) ;-)

  8. Gravatar Icon 8 Kevin Burton Jun 9th, 2004 at 9:04 PM

    It’s not creepy at all…. it’s called the evil editor.

    I have a crazy personality and Wired just totally took my jokes out of context and made me sound like a stalker… which couldn’t be farther from the truth.

    I’m actually really mad about it and have to write Wired a stern letter asking for an official appology and possible retraction.

    Don’t always believe what you read and ALWAYS insist on reviewing the article before you sign a release.

    … anyway… I’m not bitter ;)

  9. Gravatar Icon 9 Becky Jun 10th, 2004 at 12:08 AM

    Hi Kevin,

    Ouch…when I posted that entry, the thought of editors and their influence *did* cross my mind. Didn’t mean to malign your character, and I don’t blame you for being angry at Wired. We had a bit of fun at your expense, and I’m sorry about that. If you’re ever in Philly, look me up! :) :)

  10. Gravatar Icon 10 Duplex Dude Jul 11th, 2004 at 11:20 AM

    It would be much smarter to pop up an IM on Bill Gates’ computer, asking him to deposit $5 million into your account. Naturally, followed by :) :) :) ;)

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