Good Grief!

Here’s what happened. One solid night of dreams. Weird and wildly inappropriate dreams, which jolted me awake at various points throughout the night and made me realize that I should call a shrink immediately. Except how do you pick a shrink? Call Employee Assistance? No! My neighbor works for our Employee Assistance program, so I can never, ever call there. What if he gets drunk at the local bar and tells Loopy F the bartender about my dreams? Then I’d have to move, and moving sucks.

And it turns out that one of the gas burners was on all night, which is maybe the reason for the particularly vivid dreams. So around 5:30 AM I dragged my ass to the gym, only to encounter two strange men who wanted to tell jokes, which is disconcerting because the neighborhood is currently having problems with teenage brats on bicycles who like to rob people at gunpoint. Short-shorts guy was at the gym, and he wasn’t wearing his short-shorts; perhaps one doesn’t wear short-shorts after Labor Day?

Then it turns out that x = 41.23. It says so on one of those concrete divider barriers that line Route 73. Also on Route 73, I saw a police officer writing a ticket for a dog who was hanging out in the median. And just when I thought I couldn’t take anymore, I went to Eckerd’s Drugstore and walked smack into a display of candy corn and mellocreme pumpkins, which is bad news because I have a big-time mellocreme pumpkin problem. These next few months will be difficult, what with the mellocreme pumpkins everywhere. Pray for me.