Good Grief!

So there’s been some talk about the Borgata casino’s crackdown on costumed cocktail servers:

On Valentine’s Day, the casino began randomly weighing its 217 Borgata Babes, a brigade of shapely and mostly female cocktail servers, to determine a baseline for each. If any gain an ounce over 7 percent of that weight, they are to be suspended without pay. Servers are to be fired if they fail to lose the pounds during a prescribed period on a weight-loss program offered by the casino

All workplaces should strive to attain the high level of professionalism demonstrated by the Borgata’s new policy. Structure, productivity, and the bottom line, baby. Just make sure the bottom line is cellulite-free and comes with some nice tits.

Following the Borgata’s lead, I am drafting a new soulless office park policy for Information Technology employees:

• Employees must limit web seminars, programming, conference calls, and other passive activities. Try a few laps around the computer room instead.
• Effective immediately, all Business Intelligence analysts will be known as Business Intelligence Babes. I am a senior analyst; therefore, I will become a senior Babe under the new regime.
• Each week, managers will be required to submit a list of staff butt measurements to the CIO. Employees with an increase of more than eight percent will be locked in the network closet until their butts return to an acceptable size.
• The new help desk number will be 900-IT-LUVS-U.
• The mainframe, which is getting old anyway, will be replaced with some free weights and a Stairmaster.