Good Grief!

In all of the recent brouhaha about judicial filibusters and nuclear options and ambiguous compromises, it has come to my attention that no one actually filibusters. Apparently, the mere threat of a lawmaker reading the phone book for hours on end is enough to make the opposition retreat. Pretty weak, wouldn’t you say?

I, for one, would like to see some filibuster action on CSPAN-2. To get the ball rolling, I’ve decided to do my part for democracy and write a filibuster, which I will send to Arlen Specter and Rick Santorum for future reference.

Below the line is what I have so far. If you have some good filibuster material, I’d be happy to add it. Feel free to forward the filibuster to your own Senators.

Good afternoon, and welcome to my filibuster. Though I regret the disagreements that led to this drastic action, I hope that we can all learn something today (and tomorrow, and the next day).

So what did you guys do over the recess? Anybody go anywhere? Any good junkets? There’s nothing like a good, old-fashioned junket to recharge your batteries and get ready for those pesky constituents. I shot some great golf down in Florida.

My kids were telling me about these new things called weblogs, and they sent me some links. Whoa—you should see what people say about us on the Internet behind our backs. I’m gonna forward you guys the links, so be sure to check your e-mail. Stop laughing! Really—we need to start checking our e-mail. My .gov address is getting too much spam, so I’m changing over to a Gmail account. Gmail is great for sending mp3s around, and plus then you don’t have to deal with our congressional helpdesk and their mailbox size limits. Chuck, remember when you sent me that Daily Show clip and my e-mail blew up? Anyway, if anybody wants a Gmail account, let me know because I have plenty of invites.

When you’re surfing weblogs, I recommend avoiding the political ones. If we spend our time working through nuanced reasoning and small details, we’ll never get any work done. Instead, try focusing on sites with crazy links, like Metafilter and Welsh View and Grow-a-Brain. There is some wild stuff on the Internet. By the way, how’s Internet 2 coming along? Can we get in on that?

I don’t know how people did this before the Internet was invented. The Internet has everything you need for a good filibuster: recipes, encyclopedias, travel tips, and pornography. If I can get this projector set up, I’d like to present some Internet highlights for your viewing pleasure. Where’s the AV guy? Isn’t he supposed to be on call during a filibuster?